(I lost dozens of them.) Some prisoners didn't have the $18. But what they did have was running cold water in their cells, an electrical outlet, nail clippers, a power cord, and the courage to drop a live wire into a cup of water. They call it a “stinger.” Wine and Cheeseburger.
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Read More »I was a good cook before I went to prison. I’d cooked all my life, seducing girls with my culinary skills and impressing college ramen eaters by flipping and dicing without ever looking. I was also well traveled and proud of having sampled an array of unmentionable organs and hideous fish. In better days, I’d beaten an octopus to death and grilled it on a Greek beach. Now I can’t open a can of beans without thinking of the scar its lid could leave across a face. But I am twice the chef I was; I can cook everything out of anything (and do it with a sheared-off power cord and some garbage bags). When I went in -- sentenced for a decade thanks to a week’s worth of robberies committed at the rock bottom of my heroin addiction -- I figured I could cook at least as well as the killers, pimps, pushers, and con men who routinely skipped the chow line and made their own meals in their cells. All I needed, as far as I could see, was one of the $18 hot pots they sold in the commissary and the staple carbs and proteins. But, I learned, as I watched the instant coffee leak out of my hot pot while still ill from the previous night’s failed attempt at mac ’n’ cheese, none of my previous kitchen experience had prepared me for the challenge of cooking food in prison. You may have fed an army or a family, but once locked up, you have to learn to make even the simplest things all over again. From killers. I spent a decade learning from them, cooking my meals in my cell most nights of the week. Here’s what I picked up.
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Read More »Recipe: Jailhouse sous-vide pasta and toilet broccoli The major obstacle to cooking in prison is not a lack of food: the kitchen was the scene of a daily heist that went on under the guards’ noses, silently and profitably for the inmates who were in on it. Bags of 50 hot dogs cost two packs of cigarettes each, and a 5lb block of cheese was only one. It was your problem if you got caught with it, but the price was right. No, the big obstacle, if all you had was a cheap hot pot/stinger and a plastic spoon, was gear. And the solution was in the garbage. Every trash can had a plastic bag, and underneath it was a clean one ready for replacement. Beginners had to dive in and under to snatch out the extra before the guards noticed, but Rusty had friends who were garbagemen who supplied him with full rolls. He had the bags; I had dry spaghetti, canned tomato sauce, a stick of pepperoni, and a broken hot pot. He took the ingredients, and half an hour later handed half of them back in the form of a hot, greasy red bowl of delicious. I had my own stinger by then, making coffee with it every day, but I was amazed by the feat. I knew it was electricity at work, but how did he boil a whole pound of spaghetti? I pounded on the wall to get his attention. I needed to know. “Ain’t you been paying attention to the TV?” he yelled back. “You gotta watch the commercials. They got the same things out now that we been doing for years in here. Boil-in-the-bag rice!” We had the cheapest and thinnest garbage bags known to man; a lit cigarette could poke a hole through a dozen of them. The stinger could have melted the whole roll -- unless there is water in the bag. The smallest bit will absorb the heat and boil safely. The spaghetti is more dangerous -- when dry, at least -- than the stinger. Rusty dropped the spaghetti in a bag of boiling water, then combined the rest of the ingredients in another bag, tied the bundle real tight, and dropped that in as well, like jailhouse sous vide. It looked like he was simmering a softball, but it was decent marinara. When he was done, he released the water with a few holes carefully poked through the bag. “Don’t do it,” said a neighbor. “You get cancer from shit like that.” Rusty died of cancer before he made it to the parole board, but he would have been pleased with my progress. I used bags to make ziti and rice, and warm up canned foods and leftovers, which the double-bag system did as fast as a microwave oven. You just needed to have garbagemen for friends, and after Rusty died, I inherited his. This went on for about a year, until the broccoli incident. Every once in a while my family, who sent me canned goods monthly, would lug up some fresh produce. Broccoli was something I ate once a year. The last time I got some, I had a pseudo-hollandaise sauce ready, made out of mayonnaise, lemon juice, mustard, and two hard-boiled egg yolks I smuggled back from chow in my sleeve. I was draining off the water into the toilet Rusty’s way, but without his patience. I figured the process would be faster if there were more holes. It took twice the number in addition to the weight of the water to blow my bag open and dump my precious broccoli in the toilet. I went after it, pulling the hot pieces out while trying to remember when I had last used the bowl, and for what. “Don’t do it,” said an inmate in a neighboring cell, watching through the bars. “You get cancer from shit like that.” I retired my roll of bags and put out a call for the parts I would need to build a stove. From now on I would be frying. First on the menu was mackerel.
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Read More »For half my bid, the price remained the same: a pack of Newports. Then cigarette prices went up, and set-ups improved. At first one was just deep-fried fish with yellow rice. Then a can of soda came with it. When sin taxes were raised again, the rice became seafood paella. But by then it was getting expensive; I had to make my own. The challenge required theft, smuggling, whittling, 110 volts, and manual dexterity. The problem with making your own Jack Mack was twofold: you can’t deep-fry in those $18 plastic hot pots, and even if you could, almost all of the prisons that held me banned cooking oil at some point. A week before I got to my first max and “home” of four years, an officer had been splashed in the face with boiling oil. After that they stopped selling it at the commissary. What they didn’t stop selling was mayonnaise. And in yet another instance of the limitations of the incarcerated man inspiring feats of ingenuity, a workaround was discovered. In the summer, you boiled the jar until the mayonnaise separated, and painstakingly skimmed the oil off the top. In the winter, you put the jar out on a window ledge overnight (it fit through the bars), and everything but the oil froze solid. Then you just poured it out. I used to do 10 jars at a time. I can probably get an iPhone battered and crisped with the technique I perfected making Jack Mack. Then you need something to cook the fish with. A rigged hot pot is small, good only for coffee and soup. What you need for Jack Mack is a stove. To make one, you pulled the heating element out of a hot pot and mounted it, rewired, on a can. Your frying pan/wok was an industrial-sized can that could only be smuggled out of the mess hall. Mine usually traveled in the mop bucket of a porter cleaning the halls and doing me a favor. Once you’ve scored the oil, check again so you don’t blow the fuses. My first stove was perfectly wired, but sitting on a steel sink. I blew out the power for 300 men that night. Hope they’re not reading. To stir, you need another piece of contraband. The plastic spoons from commissary seemed sturdy but they’d melt in hot oil. A wooden spoon is required. I whittled my own and bought some finer implements from the local carvers for the price of another pack of Newports. My favorite model was engraved with a motto: “Boof me or lose me.” “Boof” is jailhouse slang for hiding something up your ass, though no one bothers to smuggle spoons. Making the dish requires a knack for cleaning up the chunks into fillets that can be battered with crushed crackers and potato chips. Crispy nuggets of fish, even if twice-cooked, are fantastic. I learned how to batter by getting potato chip crumbs to stick without eggs; I can probably get an iPhone battered and crisped with the patting and palm pressure I perfected making Jack Mack. From there, I graduated to frying on a heating element from a guard’s coffee maker. I had joked about taking it every time he left for the weekend. On the day he retired, he called me over to leave me his farewell present. “You’re always telling me there won’t be no more coffee when I come back,” he said. “Well, I’m not, so if you can get that thing in pieces before the sergeant comes, knock yourself out. But remember...” I did and still do. The coil was mine, meaning it was my problem if I was caught with it. Which I was, eventually.
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