The Three Primary Voices 1) The Victim. “Hi. My name is The Victim. ... 2) The Bully. “Hi. My name is The Bully, and I've been with you most of your life. ... 3) The Real Me. “Hi. My name is The Real Me, and I am, well, you.
No matter what’s happening in your life, you should never be against yourself! Instead, you have to learn how to get these voices under control and not allow them to attack you in such a prosecutorial way.
But this is not how your thoughts should be for you.
Although we don’t always realize it, we’re the only one on trial in these courtroom proceedings. But in addition to being the voice of the accused, we also play the role of the prosecutor, judge, jury, bailiff, jailer, and witnesses. All of whom are testifying against you, which makes for a kind of madness.
Worse yet, these proceedings are rigged and only have one goal in mind: to prosecute and convict you!
The trial often includes the prosecutor’s voice, and those of the defense, accused, witnesses, judge, and jury. Sometimes these internal court proceedings are orderly, but it’s rare. Most of the time, it’s more like a kangaroo court. The discussions and presentations are unruly and out of control, with multiple voices speaking, one over the top of the other.
But the place where these voices become the most vocal and activated is when our day has ended. When we’re trying to fall asleep and turn down the lights and volume in our head. Why this time? Because these voices have our undivided attention, and they believe it is the perfect time to “ hold court.”
These voices typically like to come out right before or after an important meeting, presentation, event, or date to offer their unsolicited advice. They also enjoy showing up right after we’ve failed at something, made a mistake, or found ourselves in an embarrassing situation. And in these moments, they like to trot out their favorite line, “I told you so!”
Like dreaming, most of us believe we have limited control over the voices in our heads. These voices speak to us, yell at us, belittle us, and insult us whenever they want. Unlike dreams, though, we are awake when these voices talk to us. With a little training, we can determine if we wish to listen to these voices or turn them down. But to do so requires a detection system and an objective social distance from these voices.
But it’s important to recognize that these voices in our heads don’t always have our best interest at heart. Despite appearances, many of these voices aim to keep us down, make us feel small, fill us with fear, and prevent us from pursuing the things in life that might fulfill us.
What these internal voices have to say to you often depends on a variety of factors — such as your natural disposition, your childhood environment, and what’s going on in your life at the time.
Although we don’t like to admit it, we all hear voices in our heads. We assume this internal dialog is “us” speaking to ourselves , but it’s more like a mean friend—or perhaps even an enemy—giving us advice. The real “you” is much harder to access, but more on that in a bit.
The simple act of naming these voices helped me to run a more orderly thought process in my head. I learned how to put each voice in their proper place and perspective. And I was able to separate the sensational theatrics from the real facts and evidence of the case.
Once I got strong enough to detach myself from the court proceedings, I had to learn how to identify each of the voices in my head. Determining these voices was like listening to a court trial over the radio. In time, I got good at spotting the tone and style of attacks of each voice. The more I recognized these voices, the more I was able to put them into distinct categories — such as the accussed, prosecutor, judge, defense, etc. Eventually, I became so familiar with these voices that I could put a label on them and call them by name.
With practice, I got better at becoming more of an observer of these proceedings. And less of the target of this courtroom drama.
Learning how to pull myself out of the middle of the courtroom proceedings took conscious effort. Although I tried to observe the back and forth dialog, I kept getting summoned back up to the witness stand to testify — against myself—and when that happened, I would often lose my social distance and objectivity.
If they were against me , I had no interest in them serving as my counsel.
So one morning, I got up and decided to clear the courtroom, so to speak. From that moment forward, every time a thought, idea, opinion, criticism, accusation, or voice popped into my head, I’d make a note of who the person was delivering it? What side of the courtroom did they represent? And whether they were for me or against me?
There was a tremendous amount of chatter and noise inside my head that affected my self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence. And the daily ritual of holding night court didn’t help things. I eventually reached a point in my depression where I’d had enough.
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When I was in my mid-30’s, I hit a rough patch in my life where a significant relationship had ended. Even though I knew it was a necessary ending , I was depressed about it for quite some time. I didn’t have the energy to get back out there to date again. And then the loneliness, shame, and embarrassment moved into my head to live with my daily thoughts.
The Three Primary Voices
I’d like you to introduce you to the three primary voices in my head. They are The Bully, The Victim, and The Real Me. I know these folks well, but I thought I’d let these voices describe who they are, where they’re from, and what their primary goal is for being in my head.
1) The Victim
“Hi. My name is The Victim. I was you, the little child that had to go through that incredibly traumatic experience of ‘growing up.” When I was a baby, I believed I was the center of the universe. I assumed my parents’ only reason for existence was to feed me, love me, soothe me, spoil me, play with me, and tell me how beautiful I was.”
“But as I started to grow up, I realized that I was, but one of a few family members, all of whom had needs of their own. Even more upsetting, I realized that I was one of seven billion people on earth. Finding out that the moon and stars didn’t revolve around me, hurt!
“I also didn’t realize that love is conditional.
I didn’t know that I had to behave in specific ways to gain people’s attention, affection, and care.
And I had no idea my parents had their own hopes, dreams, and needs to fulfill.
How dare they?”
“As I grew up, I met other people that came their own set of needs to meet, which sometimes required them taking something from me. I didn’t like this ‘growing up’ thing. And I kept asking, ‘How can I go back?”
“To deal with the stress of having to become more independent, I developed coping strategies—some healthy and some not-so-healthy—to survive and get through this new reality.”
“But the experience of growing up was crushing for me, and I still think about it every day. I often scared by life, by people’s intentions and by the world at large. And when I get scared, I feel weak, infantile, helpless, and unable to face the world.”
“And this feeling of helplessness is the voice I bring to your head. My primary goal is to make you feel weak and afraid, with a dash of dread.”
“Whenever the world seems too big, mean, scary, or challenging, I start talking — or more like whining and sobbing — to you. I like to fill your head with the ideas of ‘you’ll never make it,’ or ‘you can’t do that,’ or ‘you’re not big enough, smart enough or good looking enough to do that.”
“I’m also the one that encourages you to to curl up in the fetal position and cry in bed.”
2) The Bully
“Hi. My name is The Bully, and I’ve been with you most of your life. I came into your head when they weaned you away from your mother, father, or primary caretaker. While they said you were the most beautiful, smartest, and the cutest baby in the world, I was the one that told you the real truth. You’re not that beautiful or cute or smart, at least not in comparison to that other baby down the block, or that one on TV.”
“I’m in your head to remind you that the world is a cruel place and that you need to work harder to catch up because of all your limitations. You need to toughen up, or you’re going to get squashed. But I worry about you because you’re so stupid, dumb, ugly, puny, fat, and weak.”
“Sorry, your honor, that’s just how I speak: raw, honest, and direct.”
“Like The Victim, I also told ‘you’ll never make it,’ and ‘you can’t do that,’ but I said it for your own good. Somebody has to point out your flaws and let you know when you’re a being a crybaby or wuss.”
“And just for the record, I can’t stand that whiny little Victim voice that needs mommy or daddy all the time. While we both have the same aims of telling you you’re not good enough to make it in this world, I do it because I want you to man-up and stop being such a pussy.”
“It’s time to grow up, dumbass!”
3) The Real Me
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“Hi. My name is The Real Me, and I am, well, you. I have always been you and will always be you. But you don’t ever see me or listen to me because I rarely speak up. My voice is not that loud, strong, and confident yet. I usually let The Bully and The Victim tell me what to do, interpret what’s happening, describe how I look to others and assess my prospects for my future.”
I also let them call the shots for me, or least heavily influence them. I have hopes, dreams, and aspirations myself, but nobody ever sees them or cares to ask about them.”
“For most of my life, I didn’t dare to come out of my shell. To do so would require courage and bravery. It would also entail going against the expectations of my parents, friends, bosses, and peers who have similar voices to The Bully and The Victim. And I’m not sure I’m up for that kind of fight. The Victim and The Bully remind me often that I’d never win that battle, so I lay back.”
“But the older I get, the more tired I am of the dominance of these two voices. While their supposed goal is to ‘protect’ me, I’m not happy, nor do I feel like I’m living my life. Instead, I feel like I’m living their life and running from my own.”
“Whenever I try to decide something for myself, these two voices are there to shut me down. If I try to step out on my own, they remind me of what happened the last time I did that. Instead of fighting for my right to live, I pull back into my interior shell and let them run the show.”
“But the truth is, I’m getting tired of it! And I secretly dream of having the courage to stand up to these two voices…someday…maybe?…but not right now.”
Separating Thoughts
Learning how to identify these three voices in my head was the best thing that ever happened to me. Why? Because it allowed me to first, tag my thoughts, and secondly, see through the strategies, tactics and guilt trips these voices use to control me, keep me down and prevent me from living my life.
Once I learned how to identify and name these voices, I was able to separate my thoughts into things I truly wanted versus what they wanted. I don’t let these voices play an outsized role in my head anymore, and I don’t allow them to direct my life. They can provide input but in a very orderly fashion and with lots of caveats.
The Stick Figures
One helpful technique I use to keep my head clear and orderly is to visualize my thoughts as three simple stick figures. The smallest stick figure on the left is The Victim. The oversized stick figure on the right is The Bully. And the one in the middle — trying to stand out — is the Real Me.
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Every time a thought comes into my head that hurts, stings, or makes me feel afraid, I attach that voice to one of those stick figures. Doing this visualization technique not only helps me identify the source of the voice but their motivation.
With practice, I learned to quiet my mind and to keep the voices in my head more orderly. I no longer allow them to “hold court” every night as I try to sleep. And most importantly, I don’t ever let them put me on trial, or force me to testify against myself.
My #1 rule in life is to “not to be against myself.”
I no longer listen to the thoughts, opinions, or accusations that are there to bring me down, make me small, or prevent me from finding myself.
But this doesn’t mean they don’t still try.
These two voices — The Victim and The Bully — still come around, particularly during times of stress, humiliation, or embarrassment. But I quickly tag them and call them out by the name. While this doesn’t make their opinions or accusations go away entirely, it does help to put them in their place and to expose their motives.
My favorite voice to listen to now is The Real Me, without The Victim or The Bully present or interfering. It takes some cajoling to get The Real Me to come out and speak up. But listening to this voice has provided me with the most revealing and rewarding insights about who I am and what I want in life.
Perhaps it’s time you cancel your daily night court, put a gag order on The Victim and The Bully, and start listening to the Real Me.
Piano Guidance
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