6 elements of an apology Acknowledge the Wrongful Act. Acknowledge That You Hurt her Feelings. Express Your Remorse. State Your Intention Not to Repeat It. Offer to Make Amends. Seek Forgiveness.
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Read More »Although this blog is essentially devoted to the subject of divorce, every now and then I will discuss some aspect of marriage that leads to divorce, and suggest ways to reduce the damage. Having mediated domestic disputes for 30 years, it has occurred to me that men and women regard apologies very differently. And simple as it may seem, these different views of apology have extensively damaged many marriages. In short, most men don't know how to apologize. In intimate relationships, an effective apology can quickly heal an inadvertent injury. Similarly, an ineffective apology — or the complete failure of an apology — can cause an inadvertent injury to be experienced as a major wound in the relationship. For women, apologizing is a way of reconnecting with someone whose feelings you have hurt, however inadvertently. When a woman gets feedback that something she has done or failed to do has left another feeling offended or injured, she is usually quick to apologize. A breach in the relationship is avoided and the relationship continues undisturbed. Neither the woman offering nor the woman receiving the apology regard it as unusual but rather see it as a routine aspect of relationships. For men, apologies are very different. Men tend to view apologies as humiliating and a loss of face. Scholars of gender communication have observed that for men, verbal communication is tied up with their concern for the way their status is perceived by others. Men are more conscious of the impact of what they say on how others perceive their power position or lack of power. So, for a man to acknowledge that he has done something wrong, it often means that he feels diminished in the eyes of those who hear the apology. Thus, a woman apologizes to maintain healthy relationships and feels no sense of loss. But when a man apologizes, he does feel a sense of loss, if not humiliation. The result of this difference is that men are reluctant to apologize, and in many cases, do not know how to craft a sincere apology. It is this lack of knowledge I seek to address here. Most of the women in the couples I see for divorce mediation complain that their marriages suffer from a terminal lack of intimacy. The wives report that their husbands are unable or unwilling to respond to their feelings. They say their husband's tendency to stonewall when presented with a complaint leaves them feeling disconnected and alienated from him.
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Read More »It appears that in most modern marriages, the woman is angry at her mate more often than the reverse. Women express anger at their husband's sins of commission as well as sins of omission. And the most common sin of omission is his failure to apologize when he has offended. So here is a brief tutorial for men on how to apologize.
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Read More »This may be difficult — particularly if you are a repeat offender — but it is an expression of your acknowledgment of your need to reform. "I know that I am sometimes insensitive to what you need, but I am going to try my hardest not to do it again." If you smirk at this juncture, you're going to have to go back and start all over.
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