Are you allowed to shout at your child?

netdoctor.co.uk - Shouting at your kids: 7 alternative ways to discipline your children

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Are your kids driving you crazy? If you find yourself constantly shouting at your children and reprimanding them for every little thing, it can be exhausting for you, frustrating for them, and chances are it's not working. From reminding your little ones to hurry up and get dressed to finding crayon scribbled all over the kitchen wall, there are all manner of daily triggers in the life of a parent that warrant a raised voice. It's true that shouting (temporarily) relieves stress, but if you lose control of your temper, afterwards you may find yourself feeling deflated and a million miles away from the calm, collected parent you'd like to be. We speak to the parenting experts about how to keep your cool and make the best of every challenging family situation:

Why do people shout at their kids?

Reprimanding your kids loudly for their errant behaviour is often an automatic response, but this doesn't mean it actually works. 'Shouting is ineffective, especially if you do it often,' says clinical psychologist Emma Citron. 'It just becomes background noise, and your child will learn to zone out.' 'That said, there are some situations in which shouting is necessary and legitimate - for instance, if your child is about to run out in front of a car,' she adds. 'Shouting only in these situations means everyone concerned will recognise it's an emergency, rather than "just mummy shouting again" when they've been naughty.'

Shouting and stress levels

Shouting also elevates already sky-high stress levels further. 'When you shout at a child they have a fear, or "fight or flight" response,' says child development expert Dr Rebecca Chicot, co-founder of Essential Parent. 'This means they are not able to process what you are saying, just that you are shouting, and they'll respond by either shutting down or shouting back.' Remember too that children don't see a situation in the same context adults do. 'It's normal to feel cross if your child charges across your freshly-mopped floor in muddy wellies, but they don't attach the same importance to a clean floor as you do. Try to remain empathetic to the situation,' advises Dr Clare Bailey, lead parenting expert at Parenting Matters.

Shouting alternatives

Instead of constantly losing your rag, try the following 7 parenting tips and you'll soon reap the rewards:

1. Use your words

Try communicating your feelings to them in a measured and even tone paying careful attention to what you say rather than how loud, and see how they react. 'We say this to our children all the time, but sometimes it applies to adults too,' says Dr Chicot. 'A slow, authoritative tone imparts more gravitas, especially if you explain that a certain behaviour is not acceptable, why and how it makes you feel it. This will help teach your child to be empathic, emotionally literate and assertive when communicating their own needs.'

2. Take a time out

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Taking time out and "the naughty step" is a strategy we often use with our kids, but it can be successfully applied to adults too. A few minutes thinking time can help you form a rational response to errant behaviour. 'I have been known to lock myself in the downstairs cloakroom,' says Kathryn Mewes, aka The Three Day Nanny. 'Make sure the children are in safe space and then step away for a moment. Breathe deeply and step back into the situation calmly. I talk in a firm voice, different to my usual tone, and this shows a child that I am confident in what I'm saying and that I'm in control.'

3. Compromise

As the adult in the relationship, most parents expect their kids to respect their authority. But in terms of power dynamics, you don't always have to "win" every battle to be a firm and effective parent. 'Boundaries are important but you can be flexible within these boundaries,' says psychologist Emma Citron. 'For instance, you want the TV off now but your child wants 10 more minutes. Agreeing to five more minutes helps your child feel they have some control and are being listened to.'

4. Check in with your own feelings

Have you blown your top in a situation you'd normally face calmly? It might be worth examining your own responses, as you may be anxious about something else entirely and your own worries are manifesting themselves in a dispute with your child. 'Taking time to recognise our own state of mind and how that might affect our parenting is important,' says Dr Bailey. 'Acknowledge your feelings and then try to separate them from your response to your child's irritating behaviour.' Easier said than done - but it works!

5. Be empathetic

If your kid is being particularly naughty, try and put yourself in their shoes for a moment. Showing empathy can be challenging if your child is intent on pressing your buttons, but it can help you gain understanding of why they're behaving in this way. 'By trying to understand your child's behaviour, you'll get a better idea of why they're not responding to you,' says Dr Bailey. 'You'll also be less likely to shout when faced with this behaviour in the future, or able to head it off completely.' 'We often overlook and dismiss the importance of acknowledging our children's feelings for fear of "spoiling" or giving into them,' adds Dr Bailey, 'when the reality is we'd never treat a friend or our partner in that way.'

6. SEED good behaviour

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If it's starting to feel like you get into an argument with your kids every single day and everyone is run ragged, try the SEED technique to diffuse the tension. 'When you get accustomed to this technique you can use it to head off shouting matches before they even start,' says Dr Bailey. S - Show sympathy with your child if they're resisting your requests and tell them you understand. E - Explain why you're asking them to do whatever it is you're asking. E - Outline your expectations. Let them know how quickly you want them to do something; then remind them again when the time is up.

D - Divert their attention with a positive alternative.

7. Be honest about your emotions

Remember that children don't need (or want) perfect parents, they just want you to do the best you can. It's OK to stop mid-shout and admit to your child that you're struggling and you're going to take a moment to calm down. 'Most parents shout,' says Dr Laura Markham, author of Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets of Stress-free Parenting. 'Sometimes we don't even notice we're doing it - our voices just get louder and louder. It isn't easy to stop shouting, especially if you yourself were shouted at. 'By committing not to shout, stopping talking every time you notice you're raising your voice and giving yourself time to rethink your reaction and respond more calmly, you're rewiring your own brain and showing your child that you're able to manage your emotions. This, in turn, will help them manage theirs.'

Help and support

For additional parenting support, try one of the following resources:

NSPCC : a children's charity, preventing abuse and helping those affected to recover. : a children's charity, preventing abuse and helping those affected to recover. Childline : helping children and young people with any issue they might be facing. : helping children and young people with any issue they might be facing. The Samaritans : a charity providing support to anyone in emotional distress. : a charity providing support to anyone in emotional distress. YoungMinds: committed to improving children's wellbeing and mental health.

Last updated: 24-01-2020

netdoctor.co.uk - Shouting at your kids: 7 alternative ways to discipline your children

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